I am a porn addict.

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Yes, you read it right! But it was difficult writing it, rather I should say admitting it. Never have I ever shared this with anyone – because this topic is taboo. One can talk about alcohol addiction, tobacco addiction, smoking, all of that, there are even treatment and recovery centers for those, but porn – people are ashamed of this topic. The closest I got to sharing is admitting to my friends and my girlfriend that I watch porn – which is half the story – they don’t know that I am addicted to it. I had realized this earlier and also tried to get rid of this, but as I write this post, I still am a porn addict.

It all started back when I was in seventh grade. Just back from school, I logged on to facebook and suddenly with Facebook, another tab opened which had it all – curvy women exposing enough of their body to lure a 12-year-old to click on ‘Yes, I’m 18 years old, take me to the website’. And just after 10 minutes I closed all of it and went to play on the ground. I could sense that I had seen something that I wasn’t supposed to, but I liked it somehow, this was the first time I was exposed to the human bias – not to do a thing because we know it is wrong, or to listen to our mind and do it anyway because it is pleasurable. But it was not that I started watching porn right away, in fact, I forgot about it for more than 2 months. Again a similar thing happened, a tab opened and I entered the site, only this time it was more than 10 minutes. Mom and Dad weren’t home, so I didn’t fear to watch what I was watching. Gradually I discovered the words to search on google so that google does the rest of the work of finding those videos. And by the time I was in the 9th grade when we had the chapter on reproductive system ( Which the teacher very conveniently rushed through, without explaining anything ), I had already seen what all happens in an intercourse. Both my parents have jobs, so I had all the time in the world to gather more knowledge and watch more videos. My vocabulary grew. And the most important part is that it did not affect my grades. It affected my learning, but thanks to the education system, I still managed to be the class topper. In the 10th grade, I was a porn addict – I masturbated every day (compulsively) – even twice on some days. An Important note – Masturbation is a normal thing if it is limited to one or two times a week, which wasn’t the case with me.

In the later years, I tried very hard to reduce the number – because along this path, my knowledge about sex, masturbation, menstruation and even pregnancy increased – the knowledge that schools should impart to students to save them from this addiction. I would be successful for some time and then one day would come when I couldn’t resist the urge and then again I was sucked back into the cycle. Without any help or anyone to keep an eye on you, you are the king of your life, and then you are free to do whatever you want. So it was hard, very hard for me to control my addiction. I tried going on a vacation, but on returning, the game was on again. I tried letting go of the internet connection, but surprisingly I would sketch the most beautiful girl with all the features that I wanted and then masturbated to that! I tried living at a relative’s place but to no avail because one photo and a bathroom were all it took to break my control. I tried bribing myself that if I succeeded in not watching porn I would gift myself this, but when the rules are your own, it is easy to tweak them. All this led me to frustration over myself and my inability to control something for my own good. Now, many a time its even more difficult and messed up. When I feel the urge, my mind debates over whether to watch porn or not and the mind succeeds in getting to a conclusion that I shouldn’t but somehow after 5 minutes, I am already in front of my laptop.

I am ashamed of myself but I don’t know how to solve this. Now the only way in front of me was to confess to someone, tell the complete story to someone. I thought of telling my girlfriend about this, but I just couldn’t muster the courage to do so, what will she think of me, if she will still love me and a thousand other questions clustered my mind. I tried to tell my closest friends about this, but it is kind of awkward, and again I did not feel much comfortable doing so.

Anonymity has that power. So I am sharing my story with you. The story of a compulsive porn addict.

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17 thoughts on “I am a porn addict.

  1. I’ve “liked” this, not because I approve of porn, etc, but because this is a raw testimony of how this addiction happens. Thanks for feeling brave enough to share. I am sad this has happened to you (lured in by some internet click-bait). There is help out there, so if this addiction bothers you as much as this post indicates, keep reaching out for help. And I encourage you to get free of this addiction, because I do know that it will most definitely interfere with your ability to fully enjoy a coitus relationship with a real woman. Trust me, no woman can compete with what’s portrayed in porn, and no woman will ever feel truly loved by you when you’re finding your sexual pleasure elsewhere. I’ll be praying for you!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Awesome! Confession really is good for the soul! But just remember that if you do fall for the temptation, you can always start again. I suggest that your goal right now shouldn’t be to go a particular length of time; let the goal be to simply get through one tempting situation/desire without caving into it. And then keep repeating that goal–to just resist the next temptation. And then, the next thing you know, you will have gone days, weeks, and months without porn! You can do it! *\o/*

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I love a good internet confession, always feels like a step in the right direction. Although I don’t think I’m addicted to porn (yet I wouldn’t say my numbers are two different to yours), I do find writing about particularly embarrassing things online helps me process it in my head. Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I wish you the best of luck! Your addiction is just like any other. You should not feel ashamed. Many people go through the same thing you are. Instead of feeling ashamed, use it as your platform to reach out to others and get the help you need. Best of luck to you!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad I found your site and I look forward to following your story. I’m almost four years away from porn and my addiction landed me in legal trouble, so I know you can do it. I would suggest you keep writing about it, and you could probably find a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting somewhere around you. Sampling a couple meetings may help you figure if it’s a fit for you.

    You should try and get into some real counseling with a therapist. Addiction is almost always a coping mechanism for something else, even if you’re not sure what it is. Figuring that out – and if you do know – dealing with it in a healthy way is the best defense against relapse.

    Just my opinion, but you need to tell your girlfriend. If she leaves, she leaves. I don’t know exactly how close you are, but hiding a years-long addiction from someone you’re supposed to be close to does not bode well for the relationship or staying sober.

    My final thought is to be careful defining what’s “normal” for you or anybody else. I have no idea where you came up with the idea that masturbating once or twice a week is normal, but there is no normal or not normal. There is only healthy and unhealthy. http://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/what-is-the-normal-frequency-of-masturbation/

    I look forward to reading more of your entries. You can tackle this, I’m proof, but it’s a lot of work, not just hoping this is the time you stop.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. First of all thanks for reading it and taking the time for leaving such an elaborate comment.
      I totally agree with you that it is a coping mechanism, and in my case I know what that is, just don’t know how to overcome it.
      About telling my girlfriend, I myself am considering it, when we meet the next week, I wish to confess everything into her.
      Thanks again for the help. Really means a lot!

      Liked by 2 people

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